Actors' Equity Puts the "I No Fun" in Union (Okay, So We Spotted Them the F)

SAG, AFTRA, AMPTP. Enough already with the Alphabet Soup Brigade in Encino. What about that other union with a big-time contract that expires at the end of June, huh?

That's right: We're talking about Actors' Equity Association, baby! The AEA! Who's with me?

Anyone?

Yeah, okay.

According to a well-placed source, things in the Theatre District are, from the perspective of Strike Watch, excruciatingly dull. Negotiations for a new Production Contract, which expires June 29 and covers Broadway and national tours, started April 18. So far, there has been a total of eight minutes of face-to-face negotiations between Equity and the Broadway Leauge, which represents producers and theatre owners. The rest of the time, the two sides are either caucusing separately or listening to presentations from each other.

"Everything's cordial," said the source. "The timing is exactly what I expect."

What, no bitterness? No rancor? No phrases being tossed around like "persistent refusal," "deeply troubling," and "the right to use excerpts of our work in new media without our consent and negotiation"?

Actually, the last one isn't a phrase, it's a clause, because it has a subject and a verb. More to the point, the idea HAS been tossed around in the Theatre District.

According to the source, the league wants to market theatre using footage of productions, via new media, and for this the actors would receive a grand total of zero dollars and zero cents.

Now we're talking! New media! Insufficient compensation! To the ramparts!

What's that?

"We're listening," said the source.

Come again?

According to the source, a noted killjoy, the union folks "are listening." Which is not to say that Equity will accept bupkiss. The union, as well as the league, is demonstrating a cordial agree-to-disagree front and discussing matters internally.

"Which is exactly the way it should be," the source said.

Really? Exactly the way it should be? Uh-uh. This is the way it should be:

There should be pettiness. There should be extreme positions, internal feuds, political parties with abstruse names, three-way rifts among two unions, and producers talking about "the changing economic landscape" while simultaneously printing money in their basements.

But no. The source wasn't biting: "Everybody feels we're right on time. People feel good about the exchange of information. We're hopeful about having productive conversations that can result in a contract."

As I believe Bob Dylan sang in "Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues":

"I'm going back to Encino, I do believe I've had enough."

--Andrew Salomon