Feelings & Fun

"Fun" keeps coming up in my life these days... So, it seems to be what I'm supposed to be working on. Having fun... "Putting the fun" back into the work... "Finding the fun" in the work. Enjoying and getting passionate about the work.

Maybe my life...

I've gotten so used to "what do you want..." with my characters... I've developed such a sense of doing "what's right..." Or making instant choices that are hinted at with clues in the script...

I've been doing all these things, but what I've forgotten to include in my recent past is the "fun." I've become such an "intelligent" actor, making smart choices... I've become such a good actor (meaning nice, considerate, on time, professional)...

On my own projects I get to experiment, to play, to explore, to laugh, to keep it light... But when I'm on a set, or auditioning... Not so much.

The truth is I/we normally get one swing of the bat. Hell, imagine baseball players getting one swing in each game... Just one. That's sort of what we get these days... One swing.

"Thanks for coming in... Do you have any questions?"

And then...

"That was great... Thanks."

The thing I forgot about taking acting class, working with a scene partner, or being in a play where there's a rehearsal period is that you can try new things... You can act on impulse. You can make mistakes. You can make inappropriate choices. You can be too big. You can be too scary. You can... You can... And there's no penalty whats-so-ever.

On Monday, in class, my teacher pointed some of this stuff out to me... "You're really such a good actor. Your choices are so smart. But you're reasonable. Don't be so reasonable." She also likes to check in with me, asking me if I had "fun" with the scene I just did...

It makes me smile that I sit here even analyzing "fun."

The good thing was picking a short intense scene, my scene partner and I were able to run it three or four times... Making "unreasonable" choices... Making "inappropriate" choices... And not being so damn "good" (again meaning nice, smart, well behaved, professional)... Allowing excitement, unpredictability, insanity, danger, and erratic behavior to come in different ways in different "takes."

Yesterday I was back in the same casting office, for the same TV show, for like the 12th time. While it's a privilege, an honor, and a compliment to keep getting asked back to a particular show, it's also a bit puzzling. I may be exaggerating on the number of times, but I can't be too far off.  Perhaps I'm always good, but just not "right." Perhaps I'm always "solid" with "interesting choices," but not good enough to give any one in the room a hard-on for me. So yesterday, I let it fly. The scene started off nice enough, but then my character gets angry enough to break someone's face open...

"Wow that's hopping mad..."
"Jesus... wow."
"I wouldn't want to meet you in an alley..."

I don't know if I'll get the call today... But I do know that I made an impression. I do know that I just didn't put on anger... That I really felt it, because my breath was erratic after the scene ended, my heart racing... I even had a little trouble transitioning to a polite smile after I was done. I was FEELING rage that I don't normally allow myself to feel in life. Rage that can scare people enough NOT to want to BE AROUND ME in case I ever do POP.

Being the size of a professional linebacker, 6'5 and 260 pounds, there's certain rules of physics that apply... Force = Mass times Acceleration. A football player getting physically violent is a hell of a lot more dangerous and scary than a ballerina.

Whether or not I get the role, I did have "Fun" in the room. I feel I stopped the conveyor belt if only for a few seconds... Eleven other times I'd been in that room. In that chair. In front of that camera. The desk on my left. The TV and bookshelf on my right. The couch in front of me in front of the blank wall. Eleven other times I made "smart" choices... And while nothing I did in the 3 page scene was out of left field... I did feel like I left it all in the room. That I brought my A game.

Perhaps I could have been more restrained. Smaller. Safer.  Less volume... I could do the 3 page scene 37 different ways, and still have more ways to do it. Yes, perhaps I hit the ball too hard, too on the nose... Perhaps they don't want someone to KNOCK it out of the PARK, but someone to just get on base. Without direction, without adjustment, I'll never know.

What I do know is that when I left the room, for the first time in a long time I wanted to tell people about my audition. I called my teacher. My scene partner who I ran the scene with after we were done rehearsing. I even called my agent...

Will I be disappointed if I don't get the call... Yeah, you bet your ass... Feelings. Can't be afraid to feel feelings... As actors we can't be afraid to feel feelings. Right? Feelings are what we get paid for... Feelings are our tools... Feelings... Feelings...

I feel a song coming on... So I'll stop.

-- Quiche ~ Tom Kiesche

"Editor's Note: Opening up to  feelings can open up vulnerabilities that many of us don't want to  expose to anyone, including those who are close to us.  Others have also hidden our feelings so deeply and refuse to acknowledge them. Yet human feelings are part of the human experience.  As tough as it can be to have them, opening up to our feelings at a conscious level can also be incredibly  fulfilling."
FOUND QUOTE ON THIS WEB SITE, SENIOR MAG ONLINE.