The Happening Or "Demonstrating"

It has become habit for me to write, blog, journal or email when I'm mentally processing something. Right now I feel I'm mentally processing so many things at once that...it's a lot. So...if this is fuzzy...it's fuzzy. Consider this me, getting clarity with myself.

Ever feel as though you're waiting? Waiting for something to demonstrate in your life? Waiting for the timing to be right on things? I, for one, am so sick of that. Waiting for shit to happen. Waiting for things to just...(cue lovely music) fall into place. My fucking fairy godmother got lost in Toronto, right? I don't really want to beat myself over the head with a wrench and a hammer forcing things to happen either...but I'm done with waiting. Pardon me, but *UCK THAT. So. If I'm done with waiting but don't want to force things to happen...what next? It feels a lot like Limbo. Which is worse than Hell, if you believe in such a place. I don't, though I can imagine hellish scenarios.

Here's what's what: I'm ready for the happening, (not to be confused with The Rapture...I know I may have gotten The Christians excited with Limbo and Hell talk). I'm not going to get specific here (though I will in my own head) because there's just a lot of variables here...career, personal life, well---it's all personal because it's all my life. Anyway, in my church you hear the phrase "I'm demonstrating such and such in my life right now" kinda often. To me, it sounds a lot like menstruating. I happen to be "in the flow" right now. Sounds like someone's on their period. I'm not trying to be crass here. But, I'm annoyed so the analogy works here. Ultimately, I'm not annoyed, I'm happy. I'm joyful. I'm loving what is happening (partially)...except it's not...really...happening... right NOW. Exactly as I would like it to. So what now?

Some things feel "in the flow". Other things feel in limbo...in the cooker...waiting for the 'right time'. So...what? I sit around watching Atonement (or any other depressing movie), wear black, and hypothesize on demonstrating? Thanks, but, I'd rather get my period. Ugh.

I'm writing as if I'm all pissed off and annoyed and really I'm not. Really I'm puzzled. Sort of. Wondering. Kind of. Figuring it out. Whilst still trying to get 8 hours of sleep a night. I'm still active with my life, still pursuing things and activities, still creating, still staying in positive consciousness...yet.

Hello...demonstration...? Proof of right path?
I guess this is the "faith in the unseen" part. eh?
My new theory...when the going gets fuzzy...get a good night's sleep....

However, despite my fatigue...something tells me it's not the proof we're ON the right path that we need, but it's the knowing that WE ARE the demonstration OF the path. Make any sense at all? Or am I now speaking in tongues? Presbyterians? Pentacostals? Hostiles? Anyone? Anyone?

And how do I apply this to my acting career?

Ciao for now,

--Eve White