Never Say Always

I can't count how many times in my life I've considered myself a certain type of person - someone who did or did not do certain things, believe certain things, participate in certain things - only to look back years later and realize how myopic and inaccurate my assessments were.

For one, there was a time in my life when I thought exercise was for suckers. Consequently, I looked like this (freshman year of college, 1999).  Cut to 2008, almost 60 pounds later, where a large percentage of my life is spent in a yoga studio.  If you told 1999 Lynne that 2008 Lynne gets up at 5:45 for class, and can stand on her head, she'd probably laugh in your face and take another bite of her daily bacon egg and cheese breakfast (with a fried hash brown in the sandwich, obviously).

Or, similarly: I was raised Catholic (with a Jewish father), but split from the church about two weeks before my scheduled confirmation at 15. I subsequently viewed myself as staunchly Agnostic with an Atheist flirtation, and vowed always to avoid organized religion.

Aaaand, cut to 2008, where - though I rarely attend organized gatherings  - I've been studying Buddhism for a little over a year, can twice-yearly be found in mountain meditation retreat centers, and often spend my weekends pondering Ganesha, while - as mentioned - standing on my head.

This same principle goes for my acting career. Though an acting major, I was always the one in college who couldn't stand acting classes, and snidely referred to it all as "breathing on the floor for three hours and rolling around with my inner child."  The daughter of an engineer, I inherited a logic-oriented brain, leaning heavily to the left.  I believed with singularity good performances came from intelligence and wit, and I had intense resistance to anything ephemeral or esoteric in the rehearsal process: Madam Linklater drove me up a wall and the word "viewpoints" generally elicited nausea and convulsions.

However, back in the saddle working on this show, I'm finding the spiritual path that began with my yoga and meditation practice in this last year, has thrown open doors I had tried to lock shut.  Our fabulous director has struck an impressively effective balance between the concrete and the abstruse in her rehearsal structure, taking a laudably serious approach to a very funny piece, one which could easily otherwise be directed as fluff and slapstick.  The result is a genuine product, grounding the piece and embracing its heart.

Though I still will sooner be heard praising George Bush than uttering "Unique New York" or exclaiming different hues of leather (forgive me, non-actors, I imagine that doesn't make much sense), the point is we are never one concrete thing, no matter how resolutely we believe we are; and, it is only in retrospection - and never in the moment - that we can view the curves of the path we are on, and the intersection of events that result in our current position.

When the Dalai Lama first began speaking in the United States, early in his English studies, he struggled with a question asked of him regarding issues of self-esteem and self-hatred.  Not understanding the concept, His Holiness conferred with his translator, and eventually laughed and asked (something like): "but how can you not love the self!? There is no self not to love!"  This is a part of Buddhism I continue to struggle with - the concept of no-self.  But the closest I've come to integrate it in my life, is implementing the world view that I am a process: an ever changing, ever shifting amalgam of electrons and protons that eludes all attempts at static definition.

I'm not sure what I'll be in five years; in truth I don't know what I'll be in five minutes.  But it's a curious experience to be mindful of the changes, and try not to get in my own way from evolving.  And I say try with full acknowledgment that I rarely succeed.  Lord knows, I'm still doggedly sure I'm "not the type of person" to go vegetarian, give up alcohol, do that lemon-juice cleanse, go on tour, take yoga teacher-training, move to LA, write a show, get married, have children - any number of things I can't currently envision myself doing.  But really, who the hell knows? None of us do.  The key is to find solace in that universality, rather than cling to the illusion.  Now, if someone could just tell me a real easy way to pry my fingers from that illusion those times I get mired in it, I'd really appreciate it...

 

--Lynne Rosenberg

Comments

[Brennan]

So, you and I are similar.... if there is a you or I to compare to anything.

First the Chogyam Trungpa reference, now you talk openly about NOT 'getting' yourself (and thereby demonstrate that you 'get' yourself better than 99.9% of the population)...

Excellent blog post.

[JQ]

Great post, L-Rose. <-- Not something you'll often hear me say as a) I don't generally read blogs other than those related specifically to politics, and b) I think the last thing a blog writer needs to hear is "great post." It makes me feel like I'm supporting the narcissism which I assume tends to be the genesis of most blog writing in the first place (even if that is not at all the case). However, in moments of clarity such as those expressed so eloquently above, I'm willing to put all that aside and admit I've enjoyed two minutes of reading and contemplating and growing.

[Vimal Vora]

Do you remember the Pseudo-Intellectuals (pronounced Pi-Sway-Do) we'd make fun of in high school? You my friend, are not one of them. I'd be curious to chat you up spiritually one day. As a Hindu growing up, I was was obsessed with ideas of nothingness and maya and universality... but years later I now find the idea of the primacy of the self to be the most empowering way for me to live.

[L-Rose]

aah thanks, guys. One of the Buddhist writers - I think it's Zen master Suzuki - said the path to enlightenment is the path of confusion. I'm clearly RIGHT on my way to enlightenment because I'm sure as shit confused. Seriously, thank you guys, it's bizarre to be doing this blogging thing, but a great experience, and your feedback is really encouraging. Vimal - definitely need to break it down one of these days soon.

[Thomas V]

"unique new york" made me smile..