Unscripted - A Blog for Actors - Backstage: Where's The Love?

Apparently, my flaws abound. The universe has been busy putting people in my path who are telling me clearly AND exactly what I'm doing WRONG. Pointing at my face, my house, my spending habits, my parenting, my paycheck.... Luckily, there's one person right now who is reminding me I'm... doing something right... Thank God. If this New Person, He-who-shall-not-be-named, weren't in my life right now I might just sit down and have a good cry. I know, I KNOW: stiff upper lip. (growls...) Although, the stiff upper lip is getting old. Sometimes you gotta let the pain and ick OUT. Right? Have a good cry. Or...do like Josh Brolin and get into a good old-fashioned bar brawl.

So much judgment. In my body and my heart--my responses (mostly unsaid) to questions and statements are primarily: anger & frustration. Where's the love? Am I pointing out flaws in my fellow man? Is this the law of attraction at work? What is bringing this on? Why, when I attempt to do something right, authentic...does it seem to come back and slap me in the face? Or is that my own, distorted perception? Do I simply need to see the love that's already there?

Today, my reaction to a benign and simple situation this morning was so profoundly...bewilderingly hurt and disappointed...defensive...I have to wonder...is it me? It must be. Am I reading too much into things? Am I putting too many emotional eggs in certain baskets? Are my expectations out of whack? Am I overly sensitive right now?

Usually I feel very clear on stuff. Yet, for the third time in a row with this particular person, I felt completely inadequate as a woman and a person. Not at all what that person intended or perceived, I'm sure. But, that's what happened to me internally. Who's responsible for that? Me. I am. I reacted, internally. Over-reacted one might say. I didn't say what I felt--though I did send a knee-jerk email that was less than jovial.

What I DO know is I went from having an enthusiastic, profoundly positive, and upbeat morning-- to complete depression in fifteen minutes flat after a brief conversation. How did that happen? I'm a bit shocked. Why do I feel picked on--judged--and lacking? Is that coming from within...or without? If we are responsible for our own emotions--did I just play emotional roulette with myself? Did I allow someone's questions to 'throw me' into a lions' den of personal dissatisfaction?

Even these questions I'm airing here...feel like spears--pedagogic puncture wounds. Why am I perceiving everything as a slight, disapproval, and distain? It seemed to come out of left field--but perhaps it's been a long time coming...right from the pitcher's mound (meaning: self).

Is there some deep-seated inadequacy that I'm tapping into? What is bringing it to the surface? Why did my day do a complete 180? It was also interesting to note that right after that emotional eclipse, I punished myself with 2+ hours of pretty intense exercise. TWO HOURS PLUS : elliptical machine, weights, pilates. Who does that? Or do other people do it with eating, with alcohol, with shopping? I bet there are others out there who do it too...use exercise as a salve--a punishment--and an escape... (AND--since I'm doing this so much--why don't I have arms like Madonna? Tangent, sorry.)

Today...I'm stepping away from the treadmill. Taking off the cutesy workout outfit. Putting on something modest, soft, and flexible. I'm spending this afternoon meditating, journaling, balancing my checkbook, continuing my work with a monologue, and examining...where did the love go?