Beat. Shift.
Last night, a feeling of ickiness seemed to fill the air and choke me. And not because of my feelings and worry about my career - for once. This time it felt old but familiar... I could picture myself back home, sitting in the living room as dad watched the evening news... I'd hear words like "Cold War" and "Economy" and suddenly dad would yell something at the TV... then there would be this pall of heavy silence.
Things were not good. And I was too young to know what, exactly, was wrong... but I knew something wasn't right.
I'm back at this place again only now I know what it is: Fear. Of an economic collapse. Of losing jobs. Of our lives changing against our will and in ways we hadn't imagined.
I don't like living with this fear permeating everything. What can we do?
Change is inevitable. "This, too, shall pass" applies to the good times as well as the bad. (Sadly.) I guess the only thing we can do is roll with it - to let life wash over us and see where the tide goes. But adjusting can be challenging, to say the least. As animals we are hard-wired to seek security in a world where there really is no such thing. Chaos rules supreme. And on the rare occasions when things do seem settle in and become reliable... the predictability of our circumstances can seem stifling.
As performers we get used to it to a certain degree. We know we'll close one show and start panicking about the next; in the middle of the next show we'll start thinking that if we wear this damn costume one more time, or have our costar spit in our face or yell too loudly in our ear on stage one more time - we'll crack up; when it's over and we will miss the itchy tights and our on-stage paramour with bad hygiene.
Watching the occasional actor interview, I am sometimes caught by how everyone seems to know everyone - regardless of whether or not they've ever worked together (that we know of). This business - like most - is a network of lives that are intertwined in many ways. It's a great reminder to me to be more outgoing (I tend to be shy) and that it's ok to ask for and offer help. (A friend just referred me to a show that took me on without an audition - based on that referral. Part of me wishes I'd won my place in the cast fair-and-square... but another part of me is just grateful.)
To those who are leaving Unscripted: It is sad to see you go. I hope our paths cross again as we swirl around in this crazy whirlpool of a business, and who knows - maybe someday we will be part of another ensemble.
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