Director Extistential

In between events while in New York in October I had meetings, voice lessons, brunches, auditions, etc.

One of the meetings was with a well-known director in the theater community, whom I will call Director X.

Director X has that 'IT' factor about him. Tall, lean, striking, mysterious, perceptive, and still.

Everyone wants to work with him, nobody's really sure if he likes them or not, and if you're lucky, you get to spend New Year's Eve at his 'should be featured in Architectural Digest' apartment downtown. 

He's also one of the few people I've made a consistent effort in maintaining a personal and working relationship with throughout the years.

Not only does he direct me well as an actress, he knows me as a person and he can see right through me. I like that. 

And every time I meet with him to talk about life, art, his latest project, my latest endeavors, I feel as if I've experienced some sort of paradigm shift within my world, my stance in Life; a psychological earthquake.

Thus the name, Director X. Who shakes your Matrix? 

Director X and I had been trying to meet all summer.

But with me busy sun-bathing in Los Angeles and him traveling the world as he does, we couldn't get it together until I was finally in New York for my mini-stay this past October.

He had read one of my blog entries and thought there might be something more to it; like a one-woman show. Now, you are all familiar with my One Woman Cul-de-Sac.

Maybe I"m lazy, maybe I'm scared to really talk about myself, or 'go' there; which is why I decided to take Director X up on his offer to see if there is actually already a show within the blogs.

I had printed out about 30 entries and sent them to him ahead of time.

As I'm reading out loud Director X and I both realize that though my blogs are great pieces of writing, perfectly apt for the purposes of a blog or op-ed, they are not yet made for theatrical content.

The point of theater is to pose a question, or drop an issue in the beginning and have the audience answer it for themselves by the end.

My blogs solve each question that was posed in the beginning.

This conclusion actually brings me much relief. I am much more comfortable with certainty and clarity.

And I love writing my blogs. I like them as they are.

However, Director X says two other things to me that completely rock my world,

"Ann, you get very close to showing us who you are in your blogs, and then you pull back. Instead you show us how smart you are and how you've got it all figured out. So I feel what's the point of me listening? As a reader, they're great. But as the audience, I need to see who you are, personal, very personal, and I need to relate to you, not be lectured by you."

"I need to see the cracks, the flaws, the struggle." Oh boy, you mean show you how I've NOT got it all figured out?

My brain froze. And I start to realize how this modus operandi is exactly the reason why I could not finish my one-woman show and how it's influenced other more personal areas in my life. Paradigm shift.

Then he says to me, in so many words, (but mind you, the 'writer' in me has it polished),

"You're flying back and forth between New York and Los Angeles. There are events. But partly, you are flying back for possibilities, not realities. You don't have to chase possibilities. You can land for a reality."

Holy Horse Meat! Director X has done it again! The question now lies in living with this new modus operandi and how. Trust? Letting go? Trust?

You could live your whole life waiting on possibilities, and in the end, what have you got? The reality you started with?

I'm not going to give you the answers, because I don't know the answers. That's your job. 

X Marks the Spot.

(Photos courtesy of  punchstock and the High-Line, New York)

Yours Truly -- Ann Hu